Cat Dancer (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} catbondage) wrote,@ 2007-07-22 08:14:00 |
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Evolution of a Top
I had the not-unusual bondage fantasies as a teenager, and later a couple of girlfriends who enjoyed being tied up. Then my interest in bondage lay dormant for a while. A few years ago I began to read about BDSM more extensively.
For a while I became quite intrigued by total power exchange: where the submissive gives complete control and authority to his or her master. But what did my interest mean exactly? Would I want to be a master in a total power exchange relationship myself, or, am I more like a mystery writer who is very interested in murder, but doesn't want to actually kill anyone? :) Not to say that there's anything wrong with a consensual total power exchange relationship, but what is right for me?
This spring I was at an introduction to shibari class, and at one point we had tied rope on the front of our partner, and the next step was to tie the rope up their back. In a bit of humor the instructor said, "so if you're a dom top, at this point you tell your submissive to turn around, and if you're a service top, you go around to the other side". And I had a bit of a lightbulb go off, and I thought, "oh, I'm a service top!"
Because I've always been a builder, a doer. I build projects, I write software, I implement. I don't get a thrill myself out of someone being compliant... if I'm going to tie someone up, if they've given me permission to tie them up, I don't care what they do. They can struggle or be resistant or try to escape or beat me off me off or just stand there, it doesn't matter: I am going to tie them up and make them helpless.
(I might have fun forcing someone to do something merely by using the power of my voice, but that would be different :)
Thinking back to what I had read about total power exchange relationships, I realized what intrigued me most was the desire of the submissive to be totally controlled. Here was a practice more extreme than what I had envisioned in my own fantasies, and there were women who desired to be in such a relationship, and in fact went through quite a struggle to first admit and accept their desires and then to find someone that they could submit to. So it wasn't the result that interested me -- the total power exchange relationship itself (yeah, so now I'm a master and my slave does whatever I tell her to. So what? :) -- but the desire that I was responding to.
A month ago I was reading a story over inconsciousobject's journal, and at one point the protagonist asked the inventor, "do you think we could use [your invention] to try out some other fantasies of mine?". I commented that when I read that, I thought, "you know, that's what I want. I want to be an implementor of fantasies".
I had the not-unusual bondage fantasies as a teenager, and later a couple of girlfriends who enjoyed being tied up. Then my interest in bondage lay dormant for a while. A few years ago I began to read about BDSM more extensively.
For a while I became quite intrigued by total power exchange: where the submissive gives complete control and authority to his or her master. But what did my interest mean exactly? Would I want to be a master in a total power exchange relationship myself, or, am I more like a mystery writer who is very interested in murder, but doesn't want to actually kill anyone? :) Not to say that there's anything wrong with a consensual total power exchange relationship, but what is right for me?
This spring I was at an introduction to shibari class, and at one point we had tied rope on the front of our partner, and the next step was to tie the rope up their back. In a bit of humor the instructor said, "so if you're a dom top, at this point you tell your submissive to turn around, and if you're a service top, you go around to the other side". And I had a bit of a lightbulb go off, and I thought, "oh, I'm a service top!"
Because I've always been a builder, a doer. I build projects, I write software, I implement. I don't get a thrill myself out of someone being compliant... if I'm going to tie someone up, if they've given me permission to tie them up, I don't care what they do. They can struggle or be resistant or try to escape or beat me off me off or just stand there, it doesn't matter: I am going to tie them up and make them helpless.
(I might have fun forcing someone to do something merely by using the power of my voice, but that would be different :)
Thinking back to what I had read about total power exchange relationships, I realized what intrigued me most was the desire of the submissive to be totally controlled. Here was a practice more extreme than what I had envisioned in my own fantasies, and there were women who desired to be in such a relationship, and in fact went through quite a struggle to first admit and accept their desires and then to find someone that they could submit to. So it wasn't the result that interested me -- the total power exchange relationship itself (yeah, so now I'm a master and my slave does whatever I tell her to. So what? :) -- but the desire that I was responding to.
A month ago I was reading a story over in
consciousobject's journal, and at one point the protagonist asked the inventor, "do you think we could use [your invention] to try out some other fantasies of mine?". I commented that when I read that, I thought, "you know, that's what I want. I want to be an implementor of fantasies".
